Through the Eyes of a Child
by Dreams'Flight
Summary: One of the worst nights of Jacob Carter’s life comes back to haunt him in an unexpected form.


Title: Through the Eyes of a Child

Author: Dream's Flight

Rating:

Category: Angst/Drama

Season/Sequel: Prologue set just after "The Tok'Ra" the rest of the story will be set in season 3

Spoilers: References to "The Tok'Ra" and possibly other episodes in later chapters

WARNINGS: This story will contain some mature content. References will be made to some disturbing issues, though it won't be too graphic. This chapter does not specify the issues needing a warning but please take the fact that there will be some disturbing content into consideration before reading.

Summary: One of the worst nights of Jacob Carter's life comes back to haunt him in an unexpected form.

A/N: Please mind the warning. Thanks to Wolfy and Maddie for betaing this.

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Two full days had passed since Selmak of the Tok'Ra had blended with Jacob Carter of the Tau'ri and a third was about to begin. Though the tunnels of the Tok'Ra looked the same whether it was day or night on the surface, Selmak's internal clock assured her it was time to get up for the day. Said clock made this fact known by making her aware of the sound of footsteps passing the personal quarters she and her host shared, breaking through the seeming reality of what was truthfully a rather strange dream. _Odd how even the most surreal dreams make sense as long as one does not realize it is a dream_, she thought.

Reluctantly, Selmak roused her host to wakefulness. She could sense his momentary disorientation at opening his eyes to a view of crystalline walls. '_Good morning Jacob,' _she said, causing him to jump, which in turn caused her to laugh.

"That wasn't funny," Jacob complained aloud.

'_On the contrary, I found it quite amusing,' _she told him.

"So I've noticed," he grumbled, still speaking aloud, though quietly. "Damn this is disorienting. I'm gonna have to get used to this soon."

As the last wisps of the fog of sleep receded from his mind, Jacob got out of bed, again distracted by the lack of arthritis-induced stiffness in his joints.

'_You will become accustomed to these things in time,'_ Selmak assured him.

'_Yea, I'm sure I will, but not this fast,' _Jacob replied mentally, remembering he didn't have to speak aloud to Selmak.

'_You find waking to crystalline tunnels and no arthritis disorienting? Then perhaps you should try to see this from my perspective. I find it disorienting to wake in a host with balls instead of breasts.'_

Jacob burst out laughing, even though her comment was a bit embarrassing. He wasn't sure what was funnier, the comment itself, or hearing an alien use Earth slang. It was a reminder of just how much the old symbiote had learned from him, for good or ill. It was also a reminder that prior to blending with him she had always had female hosts, hence why she thought like a woman despite the fact that symbiotes were genderless.

Usually for the first few days after blending with a new host, a Tok'Ra would be given a reduced amount of work, leaving time for host and symbiote to become accustomed to each other. It also gave them a chance to sift through each other's memories and see what influenced their lives and ways of thinking.

As usual with a new host, Selmak had allowed Jacob free access to any and all of her memories. She could, if she wanted, access any of his memories as she pleased, and many he had allowed her to sift through without question from the start. There were a few things he did not initially share, mostly security related information, though some were things that qualified as 'skeletons in the closet' as the Tau'ri referred to such personal secrets.

Selmak could easily learn even Jacob's best kept secrets if she wanted, but she preferred coaxing her hosts to give them up willingly. In truth, there were no secrets between host and symbiote. Initially either could keep certain details to him or herself, but there was no way to hide anything completely. Within a few days after the initial blending even such attempts to hide these details became meaningless.

By that morning Selmak had gently convinced Jacob to stop hiding most of what he had at first kept to himself. But there was one memory he still wasn't sharing.

He also had yet to learn to think quietly to himself, so she was forced to put up with hearing his every random thought.

'_Later today I am going to have to teach you how to shield your musings so that I do not have to listen to all of them,'_ Selmak said, instantly sorry for having used such an exasperated tone with him. She could sense that he was a bit confused by her comments. '_I am sorry Jacob,'_ she told him earnestly. '_I did not intend to criticize you so. I realize it is not your fault that you do not yet know these things. I simply am not what you would call a "morning symbiote."'_

Jacob laughed again and Selmak could sense she was forgiven. She debated for a moment if it were a good time to broach the subject of the one memory he still wasn't sharing and decided it was as good a time as any. Performing the mental equivalent of taking a deep breath, she approached him with her concern.

It surprised Selmak that Jacob was being completely honest when he said he wasn't hiding anything. He truly believed he wasn't holding anything back from her, and she had to carefully direct him to the memory in question before he realized what she was talking about. Her first reward for her effort was a both a mental and physical wince from her host. It was a moment before he spoke to her.

'_I didn't mean to keep you out,' _Jacob told her._ 'I didn't even know I'd blocked that off, but it does make sense.' _He paused, reluctant to continue._ 'If you want to look at it, I won't stop you. But I'll warn you, it's not pleasant and I don't want to hear about it. I may not have buried it intentionally, but since it's done, I'm quite happy to let it stay that way, alright?'_

_'I will not make a promise when I know so little about what you are asking,' _Selmak told him_. 'But if you wish to keep this memory walled off I will try to respect that.'_

Selmak approached the mental wall her new host had erected around the uncomfortable memory slowly, carefully examining what it was connected to and what emotions it brought up as she went. She found that it bothered him far more than she expected, and that at one time he had thought about it often, troubled by what had happened and embarrassed by it. No, not just embarrassed, she realized. He was utterly humiliated. There were even feelings of self-recrimination and doubt. He had never fully recovered, merely hid behind a mask of normalcy until the worst of its aftereffects could be pushed aside, and trapped the memory behind a wall where he wouldn't be constantly haunted by it.

As she reached the mental wall around the memory she could tell it had "more holes in it than Swiss cheese," to borrow a Tau'ri saying. But that made no difference to him, as long as it stayed out of sight.

Jacob's discomfort at sharing this last secret had driven him to start pacing. It was a human habit that Selmak found quite annoying, but as it seemed to be comforting at times, she wasn't inclined to complain.

She did, however, halt her progress towards the troubling memory. '_I must know, Jacob. There can be no secrets between host and symbiote. Perhaps there is something I can do to help.'_

"No," he said, his discomfort quite evident. '_No there is nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do. I made a mistake trusting her and nothing's going to change that.'_

There was nothing she could say to that without knowing more. All she could do was try to send him a sense of comfort and move forward. Accessing the memory she saw and felt what he had experienced. He had warned her it wasn't pleasant, but all she could feel was anger and disgust at what had happened to him.

Jacob felt her disgust and did not react well to it. She could feel his shame as he moved to sit on the bed with his head in his hands.

'_You have nothing to be ashamed of Jacob,_' she told him. '_Give the situation there was nothing you could have done to change what happened.'_

_'I know. But you're still disgusted with me, I can feel it.'_

_'What? Not at all. I find what she did to you disgusting. She is the one I am angry with, not you. Her actions are what provoked my feelings, not anything you did.'_

_'I still felt disgusting after what she did. I still do, a little. I never should have trusted her.'_

_'You had no way to know she would do such a thing to you. She was a friend and she betrayed you. What happened was not your fault.'_

_'That doesn't make it any easier to deal with'_

All Selmak could do was let him feel the warmth of her growing affection for him and hope that her acceptance of what had happened would be some comfort.

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See the little purple button? My muse and I would very much appreciate you clicking it.


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